Cogito, Ergo Doleo

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Mon Oct 18, 2010 9:39 pm

Thanks for your condolences.

And truthfully I have no clue how the family is taking it. Mom and stepdad (it was his foster father) are currently on vacation and due back tomorrow night. I haven't actually talked with them yet, just through texts. We all grieve weird, especially since our family is so screwed up connection wise. I still considered him my grandpa even though there is no blood relation. I knew him my whole life (or at least I think so, I do remember my grandma, his wife, from what I was little and I'm sure he was in the picture as well). To me blood means nothing, it's all about the emotional tether (think Batman's connection to Blackest Night).

I've been at work but I'm still a little shaken up about it. I knew it was coming, but for it to actually happen just sucks. I haven't had a cry yet which I know I'll need to. A couple interviewers noted I was looking kinda sickish, I only told 1 the reason why (I'm not one to broadcast stuff like this all too much, it felt weird enough putting it up on Facebook). I don't think I'm trying to process it, but I have had a lot of random memories of him pop up. Such as me trying to sell his stamps on eBay and the cost of putting them up for auction was almost as much as what was made selling them, but to make him feel happy I didn't tell him about how much the cost was and only how much he made. There was a family dinner last year I went to that I found out was for his birthday AFTER I had arrived (thanks, mom, for just saying "oh, we're just getting together for a usual dinner meet) and him being so happy to see me there. I wish I had spent more time with him, but I'm just not always comfortable around older people for some reason and it pains me.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:16 am

I'm actually doing something for Halloween this year, yay! I carved a pumpkin for the first time in about 10-15 years and had a blast doing it. I'm going to go to evil Wal-Mart to get a costume since I know they have some that fit fat people (saw a cool Shadow Zombie type thing that I may grab, worst case scenario go as a vampire or something). I'm going to pass out candy, just not sure which type yet.

In a perfect world, I would have an elaborate setup with 6 bowls of candy with numbers for each and as the numbers increase the quality increases. I'd then have the kids roll a die to see what bowl they can get candy out of. Sadly that's probably too complicated/too much work for most people. And I fear some kid will steal the die, bastards. But that would be cool to pull off, then again it is the gamer in me wanting to do that, leaving it to chance as to what you'd get.

I checked with Dan/Cap'n Jack and he'll be closing at work and then dropping by a friend's house afterwards so he won't be home for the fun.

My pumpkin:

XIII · Post by **XIII** » Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:20 am

Great!!!

The French Biscuit · Post by **The French Biscuit** » Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:01 am

Awesome!

Mr Wallstreet · Post by **Mr Wallstreet** » Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:13 pm

Well done

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:38 pm

Thanks!

Captain, Dan/Cap'n Jack's kitten, frickin ate/ripped off 2 pieces of the pumpkin. So it's missing an eye and the the big "y" shape in the mouth. What a little fucker, lol! He said he found a couple bits of pumpkin in the kitchen from where Captain ran inside with it.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Nov 12, 2010 10:48 pm

So dad had his surgeries this week to remove the sarcoma/cancerous mass thingy on his arm. No problems with that, and then he had his grafting done today (took a strip of skin from his leg to put on the arm). I had planned to go to HorrorHound Convention but my dad needed me to pick him up instead and then we had to run some errands. I felt bad leaving him so I decided not to go to the convention today, which is the whole reason I took off work. Oh well. I was a tad annoyed he didn't appreciate me skipping the convention I've been eager to go to so I could stay with him. Both mom and my stepdad were surprised I did that, thinking I should have gone to the convention instead (I kinda think I should have as well, but oh well). I may go Sunday, or I might just skip it this year again. Typical me.

[Depressive post, you have been warned]

Ok, so my anxieties are really fucking with me right now. I'm full of self-doubt, self-loathing, etc. A friend I haven't seen since HS invited me to her birthday party next week (with 3 other friends also begging me to go, 2 of which I haven't seen since HS). I'm really freaking out over it. I just...I just don't feel normal enough to go. My anxiety is raging it's head at me due to how fucking fat I am and how I can't control it even though I try. My self-doubt is making me think I'm not good enough to spend time with them, and that I should just keep it to Facebook instead. I literally feel on the edge of tears because of this and it's ridiculous for me to do that.

I know I shouldn't think these ways. I know I'm going to have a good time, I really do know it. But I seriously can't cope for some reason. I'm feeling more lonely than ever, and deep down the only thing I want to do is to meet my ex-roommate again and have things work out between us. It pisses me off that I think things like that, I'm too good for that! What the fuck is wrong with me?

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:25 pm

So I finally did something I've been wanting to do for 4.5 years now, lol. While it wasn't EXACTLY what I wanted, it was close enough to work. Thanks to this Facebook Q&A session, I was able to ask Whitney's sister why she thought I moved out of the house. Her answer was quite hilarious, she thought it was because I was attracted to her sister and it got awkward, which obviously is nothing like what happened. That makes sense because earlier she had asked me why I was attracted to her sister (and obviously everyone that paid attention saw how I handled that).

After she stated why she thought I left, I wrote this huge message to her detailing the breakdown and everything that happened. It was funny, she responded with "yep, that fits her to a t" so at least someone in the family thought I had a legit reason to leave.

It feels good to get that off my chest, as I said I've been holding that in for 4 years, lol. While it's not exactly telling the person I wanted to tell, I've at least got that info to someone who can make use of it...

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sun Nov 21, 2010 4:49 pm

I did go to the birthday party of my friend as I mentioned earlier, and yes I was scared as hell when getting ready. When I got there? Everything washed away as I was quickly welcomed in. I made 2 cheesecakes (Dark Chocolate Baileys, Black Forest) so that helped my worry a little bit. When I got there only 1 person I knew was there, the birthday girl, and I hadn't seen her in 7 years since HS ended yet we've talked on Facebook (obviously, how else would I be invited, lol). Other friends slowly came to, with a total of 5 people I knew out of like 30-40 (I suck at guesstimating but it was probably that many). I knew one of my friends was getting separated and she brought her new boyfriend, we hit it off pretty well so that was good. Overall it was a hella fun night, I was there for 5 hours and one of the few who didn't drink. I love watching drunk people, especially when there is a huge fire pit and they start walking over it. Definitely glad I went, hopefully I'll do more things with them (they definitely want to do more things with me, which made me feel very happy).

Tragic Angelus · Post by **Tragic Angelus** » Sun Nov 21, 2010 5:15 pm

Glad you went and had a good time man. And I hope you'll get to hang out with them all more often!

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sun Nov 21, 2010 11:07 pm

I really want to, and evidently they want to as well. Supposedly they had been talking about including me in stuff for awhile but since I'm such a bastard I never got the hints or anything, lol. I know it'll do better for me to be around people and not seclude myself. I know my issues will partially go away with that, so hopefully I'll be able to. Especially since I'm realizing the whole "they like me for me" statement is actually true, even if I'm not comfortable with who I am at least they are.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sun Dec 12, 2010 12:44 am

Went to an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party with non-gaming friends and had an absolute blast! I made Peppermint Patty Cheesecake and homemade Eggnog (with bit of extra Bourbon and nutmeg). Man, what an awesome time that was. I was kinda shuttled between 2 different groups in the party due to 2 friends not liking each other right now, lol. I got to tally up the votes as to who had the worst sweater (people voted on male and female). The reason I got to tally the votes? Cause I was the only one sober! Hahaha, my friend said there was no way he'd be able to do math right now. Awesome ^_^

Towards the end of the night after half the group left they dove into my Eggnog, literally passing the bottle around. They drank half of the bottle in a minute! Holy shit they loved it! Guess the extra Bourbon definitely made it extra lovely. I've yet to try it, it's actually sitting next to the computer waiting for me to try.

People told stories from high school and of course one is going to haunt me for awhile. A girl I had a crush on evidently got drunk, put on lingiere at a party, and either passed out or was "resting" on the floor with one of her tits out. Damn, this is what I missed by not being invited (not that I'd go)? Shit, I really wish I could go and change that. Lot of other hilarious stories that I missed out on, love how drunk people are much more open than usual.

I think I'm finally feeling comfortable enough to start going out and doing stuff with these people. I hadn't seen them for 7+ years and luckily I cracked the cavern by having that housewarming party in August, since then I've been able to do things with them 3 times and they definitely want me to come out.

Tragic Angelus · Post by **Tragic Angelus** » Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:15 am

Glad you had an awesome time man! And glad you're cooking was once again a success. Hopefully you all will continue to hang out and get back into the swing of things man.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Wed Dec 22, 2010 2:06 am

Yep, I hope so too.

Today I bought my first X-Box 360 game. Now I don't actually own an X-Box 360, but since Dan has that hooked up to the main room's TV I decided it's time I get a game. I got Fables 2, always wanted to play the series so I'm excited. He has Fables 3 but I wanted to start fresh with a new game and all, lol. Maybe I'll even buy more later, who knows.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Thu Dec 23, 2010 5:16 pm

Dan has Fables 2, not Fables 3. At least my version has 2 extra stages, whoopee. Internet is dead at the house. Furnace died because we used 100 gallons of oil in a month. Gingerbread Tree cookies came out burnt cause I forgot Gingerbread doesn't change colors. My Christmas bonus is already spent before I even put it in the checking account.

But at least I have this case of Heroclix that are totally awesome and smell wonderful and I just want the world to slip away while I look at these.

Bring on the new year...

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:52 pm

Went to the eye doctor for the first time in...6-7 years? Normal is 20-20...I'm 20-400. Yep, that's definitely fun. It's also fun to get my eyes dilated because WOW is that fun driving like that, lol. Can't wait to get new glasses, we picked out a new type that is rectangle instead of oval. Everyone said they were more "modern" (obviously hot girl that worked that definitely helped sway me).

The French Biscuit · Post by **The French Biscuit** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 10:21 am

jedispyder wrote:Went to the eye doctor for the first time in...6-7 years? Normal is 20-20...I'm 20-400. Yep, that's definitely fun. It's also fun to get my eyes dilated because WOW is that fun driving like that, lol. Can't wait to get new glasses, we picked out a new type that is rectangle instead of oval. Everyone said they were more "modern" (obviously hot girl that worked that definitely helped sway me).

I've got to do that to sometime in the not-to-distant future (I've only been putting it off for a about a month now). I lost my glasses and haven't been able to find my spare pair either. Last eye exam was about the same time as yours, a good 6-7 maybe even 8 years ago.

Kudos on the new specs, I bet they're cool.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 1:18 pm

Whenever I get them (hopefully they'll call on Monday) I'll post a picture. I'll at least update my Facebook icon to that...

Good luck with the exam, hopefully they don't dilate you cause that is just so super-deduper fun

wolf_2099 · Post by **wolf_2099** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:20 pm

I hare eye exams. Especially when they use that machine that blows into your eyes. My eyes are super sensitive too, so I can never do it properly.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 4:04 pm

They had to do the eye puff thing a couple times cause I kept blinking, not fun at all. The dilation was worse because of how bright it was outside, even waiting an hour to go out I was still blinded by the light =o/