Cogito, Ergo Doleo

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Feb 11, 2011 2:10 am

[Usual depressed post, you can skip if you want to]

I'm in one of my usual funks. I really don't have the willpower or desire to do anything at all. If not for work, I can see myself not leaving the house. Fuck, hate when I get like this.

Also had a convo with Shlomo and he wanted me to tell him the last time I did something unexpected. I really can't think of anything. I guess going to the 2 parties could be counted as unexpected since it took me completely out of my element, but then again I went because I guilted myself into it. Plus I promised cheesecake, and I never renege on cheesecake offers. In my eyes, the last true time I did something unexpected was 5.5 years ago with Whitney. I guess that's why it was both the best and worst time of life for me. I loved every minute but she treated me like shit. Why oh why do I miss it so much? Fuck, I'm pathetic.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Mon Mar 07, 2011 11:35 pm

So today is Fat Tuesday. A day that, religiously, means nothing at all today. As a baker, it means huge celebrations! Ate a blueberry paczki and I'm about to make some King Cakes. First up is King Cake Cupcakes that I'm having Dan bring into his work to share. Then for my work I'm bringing in a regular King Cake. Sadly I don't have the plastic baby so I'll likely substitute something else. Originally it's a bean or a nut, so I may go with a pecan or something.

I really would love to go to New Orleans at some point to celebrate Mardi Gras. Ironically enough, I don't want to go to see boobs (me, not caring about boobs? seriously?!?). I love reading about what Mardi Gras means as a culture, a very interesting subject. Maybe next year I'll go, but I have been saying that for about 3 years now

wolf_2099 · Post by **wolf_2099** » Tue Mar 08, 2011 12:47 am

That sounds delicious.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Mar 25, 2011 3:27 pm

Just had my yearly review at work. Think my boss knew I basically rearranged last year self-assessment and resubmitted it but she didn't seem to care. Overall the review went well, nothing bad besides the bad already mentioned in my self-assessment. Got a nice raise, 4.7% which is good considering last year sucked for my branch. Plus I know my boss told my incompetent co-worker to do something each night that she didn't tell me to do, so that's nice. She knows I'm great with computers and strongly hinted she knew my co-worker wasn't and needed help. Guess that's why my co-worker has extra stuff to do and I don't ^_^

Tragic Angelus · Post by **Tragic Angelus** » Fri Mar 25, 2011 7:24 pm

Well congrats on the review it seems! And congrats on the raise as well. Glad to hear your job is safe as well. Keep up the good work and staying on the your boss's good side.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sun Jun 05, 2011 2:06 am

Shitfuck, just had a bit of epiphany. I've stated here a couple of times that recently I've been having trouble remembering to read comics. I know partially the reason is because I have no real comfortable place to read them in my room. That leads me to want to download them to read them so it's more relaxing, instead of the current method of sitting up in my bed with 2-3 pillows on my lap and me crouched over a book reading it. The thing that was mystifying me was that a lot of these comics I really enjoyed reading but just couldn't actually read them. I have so many still sitting in piles to read it, it was annoying that I just didn't go ahead and read them. I think I realized the reason for that: depression. Depression makes you less interested in stuff you used to be interested in, and slowly my depression has been increasing the past few months. It makes so much sense now that even though I love certain titles I can't stay current. If I don't read them that night at my mom's after Family Night and before I go home, it's like pulling teeth to get me motivated/to remember to read, and it's the whole "loss of interest in joys" part of depression. Damn, that sucks.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:15 pm

Wanting to take up something fun, I decided to try my hand at building models again. [I almost said "for the summer" but realized now that I'm an adult not in school the only thing summer means is I'll be hot as fuck and miserable so it doesn't exact fit in with my statement, lol]

One of my friends sent me a coupon for Hobby Lobby, a store that has all kinds of things related to hobbies and other non-hobby but cool looking stuff (aka wall hangings, mirrors, lawn decorations, etc). I finally went today and looked through all the model kits they had. I was interested in 3 items and only found 1 still in the wrapping, a VW Van from the 60s. I had wanted to get an SR-71 Blackbird but couldn't find it, and the awesome pirate ship that they suggest you paint with glow-in-the-dark paint was sitting there open. So the van it was. Also nabbed some model-making supplies (lots of paint, hobby knife, glue, etc). I'm eager to get it started after I get off work tonight. I haven't worked with models for many years, instead sticking with Legos. I do remember my love for models when I was younger, no clue why I stopped but probably because I was impatient and they weren't cheap or always readily available. Anyone else enjoy doing model kits?

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sat Jun 25, 2011 9:34 am

On Thursday night, I took part in another Paranormal Investigation (first being the closed West Virginia State Penitentiary 2 years ago where I stayed from 8pm to 6am).

This one was Poasttown Elementary School in Middletown, Ohio. It closed in early-to-mid 2000s and was bought by this really cool guy. Not sure how much he paid for it but it had to be a lot (he said he tried using the boiler room for heat for something like 77 days and it cost him $33,000 so he stopped quickly after). He rents a small section of the place to people who down on their luck (the whole town is basically run by AK Steel and supposedly highly into meth).

There were several tragic deaths in the location. One girl fell through the small open section of stairs down 3 floors. A janitor died in his trailer nearby. There was a train crash right next to the school so the school used it was a makeshift hospital and something like 30 people died in the building. I think a girl choked on lunch or had a reaction or something and died in the building.

Besides me, it was my brother and his wife's boss (Ismael) along with 2 professional Paranormal Investigators. They first gave us a tour of the place and when dusk fell we started to the investigation. Ismael is REALLY into doing this and spent a lot of money on high tech equipment (EMF, Spirit Box [basically a transistor radio that cycles through different stations, getting static most of the time but occasionally a word will be clear and that's supposedly the spirit contacting us], an Ovilus [a box that uses certain attributes to "speak" words at us that are supposedly the spirit contacting us; lot of people don't believe in them and the device itself says it's "just for fun" but it is taken serious by many], a pinlight that shoots out green light and can be spread out so that it covers a humongous section in tiny green dots that you hope a spirit goes through which would block the dots, and a digital voice recorder just in case there were any voices not caught on the ovilus or spirit box).

Basically what we did was just sit in a darkened room, had the devices going, and asked questions. Sometimes we'd luck out, sometimes we wouldn't. The ovilus was creepy as hell because it picked out words that were just too coincidental, such as someone in our group being a redhead and it saying Redhead in several different locations. We also heard "get out" twice, which of course put me on nerves cause if it really is a spirit talking to me, then I'm not risking it and getting out of the room! Everyone took many pictures but as far as I know nothing appeared on them. The guides were very helpful and it was a blast doing it. We were there from 8pm to 2am or so, going through several rooms and getting hits in some but not all.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 1:50 am

My 4th started off kinda boring but ending up awesome. Did nothing for the first 9 hours of the day or so, just lounging around/reading/played Zelda Twilight Princess/etc. After getting so bored I took a random drive to Target (picked up a Star Wars Lego set that was on sale), I got home and spent time with Dan. He and I rarely get to hang out so it was fun for once. We played a bit of Mario Kart on SNES before finally going for a walk to see if we could see any fireworks in the area. No luck but he decided he wanted to check out the village bar. We head back home to change and walk back to the Back Door Saloon (strange name, huh?). It was pretty empty at first, only about 4 other people or so. I start off on water only but after being there for an hour or so Dan randomly orders me a Long Island Iced Tea, he knew I was too kind to refuse/waste it. So...yeah...that one drink fucked me up a bit, lol! It had been almost 2 years since I last drank (with Dan on my 24th birthday). This drink tasted pretty bad (last LIIT was smooth and tasty, this one so not). I kind of drank it fast, gulping it and sipping through the straw. Next thing I know the world is all swirly ^_^ Dan found it quite amusing at how tipsy/drunk I got off just 1 LIIT when he had 3 beers with no problem at all. It was very an interesting experience, something I at times wish I did more. Afterwards we walked around the village some more, passing what may be my ex-roommate's current house before going home. We just sat in the front yard talking for a bit, reminiscing the past. We end up downloading random games on X-Box 360 (such as How To Talk To Women and Don't Be Shy Around Women along with real games) and tried several before quitting and heading to bed.

Definitely a fun night, nights like this that make me happy I moved in with Dan.

Any other Americans else have a good 4th?

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 3:42 pm

Got back from my vacation last night, I went to Indianapolis for Gen Con from Wednesday to Sunday. Had a mixture of a shitty and awesome time. None of my roommates went for what I was doing so we were almost always split up. Both of my hotel keys got wiped somehow so I was locked out of the room most of the time until one of them wanted to come back. I judged 3 Star Wars Minis tournaments that were successful to me but to the group I was judging for it sucked because of lack of interest (6 showed up for the first one, 2 for the second, and 4 for the third).

Did some hilariously funny but somewhat awkward at the beginning and went to something called the Hentai Cafe for a Hentai Dubbing. I was bored and 1 roommate planned to go to bed early and the other 2 roommates were off gaming. Basically this was hentai with no sound/dialogue at all and volunteers would come up to voice the different scenes. A lot of awesome stuff but a few stinkers. One that got the most laughs was someone said "Matt Damon" when the guy came.

And, as always, I fell in lust while there. My friends went up to volunteer for a company called Wyrd Miniatures for their game Malifaux. The first night we were there, we went to their private party so they could socialize and meet people they talked to on the forums but never in real life. Towards the end of the event a girl came in, early twenties, but very cute. She had pale skin but dyed-red hair (didn't pay attention to any other...shall we say, assets). Basically lust at first sight, lol. I turned into stalker mode, glancing at her from time to time but not introducing myself since I was just a guest and thus not important to the group. When I went to the booth to see my friends volunteering, I made sure to catch glances at her. I felt really wrong doing it, makes me uncomfortable to be in my own skin to creep like that. On the final day, after the convention was over, my friends helped to tear down the booth and they were able to sneak me in to help. Obviously I kept getting distracted by her, especially when she put her hair down to straighten it out (and remember, being in a hotel room with 5 days meant I had no "me" time and uber horny, lol). I actually did make a few comments to her, such as "nice catch" and "you ok?" but that's it. My usual insecure and scared self got the best of me. The main guy for the company treated all of us to dinner and I was so out of my area there, with everyone else talking about the game and thus be in the corner of the table doing nothing. I kept sneaking glances at her but tried not to, made me feel really uncomfortable. I wish some day I'll be able to actually strike up a conversation with a girl I'm crushing on...

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Tue Aug 09, 2011 7:53 pm

One thing that has annoyed me a bit is how my friends must think of me. Evidently, I "handled [a situation with a girl] very well" which leads me to wonder how they thought I would handle it?

What happened was 3 of us went to a sushi bar. It was my first at a sushi bar so I was quite excited, with 1 other guy splitting 4 orders between us. Towards the end, a girl that was cosplaying as a butterfly (aka she was dressed in a butterfly costume, no clue why but it wasn't exactly flattering) sat next to us. She started randomly talking so I obviously responded and such. The other guy I was with talked to her a bit as well.

After we left, he said I "handled it very well". What the fuck does that mean?!? Was I supposed to be a bumbling idiot a la Mr. Bean? Do they seriously think that's how I act around girls? The other 2 guys I was with brought it up as well, so it really annoyed me. If a girl isn't dropdead cute, then I'll treat her like a regular person and have no problem talking to her. Did they think I was attracted to this random girl? Cause there was no way in hell, in fact I made sure to avoid her when I saw her again. Nothing against her, she was just a bit too weird for my tastes.

If anything, I should be reprimanded for poorly handling the situation with the girl I was crushing on. Barely speaking to her but constantly stealing glances at her because she was so damn cute to me. Ugh, just when I thought people understood me...

Mr Wallstreet · Post by **Mr Wallstreet** » Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:50 pm

I think when your friends said you "handled the situation with the girl very well" they didn't mean that you'd come off acting like a bumbling idiot but; that you wouldn't have responded to her at all. You would have just sat there very quietly either nodding or shaking your head to her questions.

If a girl isn't dropdead cute, then I'll treat her like a regular person and have no problem talking to her.

Perhaps you need to get over this as well.

It was great that you had fun, which is what matters. Do you think you'l be returning next year?

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:03 pm

I guess I misspoke in the last part. I didn't mean that I'd treat her wrong because she's not dropdead cute, not at all. It's the dropdead cute girls that I have trouble talking to, lol. It's she's "normal" then I won't have trouble talking to her. I turn into a bumbling idiot around some dropdead cute girls, that's for sure lol.

And I'm honestly not sure if I'll return next year. There's a possibility the game I'm going for may not be played cause this year was much worse than previous years (their estimates on the amount coming was too high so in the end it's possible we lost more money than we made). And plus, having the rest of my hotelmates not doing what I'm doing put a bit of a damper on the weekend. I had fun but I also had pretty depressing moments. The guy who asked me to judge did say I was at the top of the list to come back next year to judge again if there is a next year, so it's likely I will but as stated before there is a chance I won't. It's a year away so we'll see...

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:47 am

So I'm now 27. Wowza! Luckily I'm not a famous musician or my time would soon be up

I also decided to do something EXTREMELY different for me: I joined the Geek 2 Geek dating website. It...sounds weird saying it. It's a popular place, I know that. I have a friend who actually found a fiance there. I know dating sites in general are popular, several friends of my brother have lucked out there. I've been told to go there from Dan/Cap'n Jack for years but have avoided it. My brother and I were talking and he said he thought I should try it, to finally go and try to get out of this funk I've been in for several years.

I think one thing that set me off was I was listening to the new Adele cd that I got mom for her birthday. We were listening to Lovesong, and she asked if this song reminded me of my ex-roommate (since I obviously had a thing for her). And I realized it actually didn't, it didn't remind me of anything. So I guess it was time to finally take the step in trying to find someone.

It's going to be difficult for me. I've never actually tried to get a girlfriend before. I did that one horrible blind date my mom set me up on. Now I can actually take a step forward and hopefully keep it forward, instead of the usual "one step forward, two steps back".

wolf_2099 · Post by **wolf_2099** » Fri Aug 19, 2011 4:56 pm

Happy Birthday!

Good luck with it, I know several friends who have had luck with online dating.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sun Aug 21, 2011 11:12 pm

Just saw blink-182 for the fourth time. Still fucking great as always. Heard 4 songs off the new album, cannot wait for it to come out. Glad they did both The Blow Job Song and Shit Piss Cunt etc because those are always awesome when done in concert!

wolf_2099 · Post by **wolf_2099** » Wed Aug 24, 2011 11:29 am

Seeing them Sunday, I saw them last year as well and they were awesome.

This may be my 4th time as well, 3rd at least.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Wed Aug 24, 2011 2:34 pm

Hopefully you'll love it, it was quite awesome. And it was definitely my 4th time seeing them over a total of 11 years.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Sep 09, 2011 9:31 am

I really hate my brain sometimes. The past couple of nights I've had a section of dreams that involve my ex-roommate. It's been 5 years since I ran away from her yet in my dreams we meet up like nothing happened, all is forgiven, the world is finally right. In fact, in last night's dream we discussed just up and going on vacation with each other. Now, as always, there isn't any sexual tension because in my dreams we're still BFFs, lol. Man, it really fucking sucks to have dreams like this because that's my one desire in regular life that I know I can never get...

Mr Wallstreet · Post by **Mr Wallstreet** » Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:10 am

You should start drinking prune juice before you go to sleep.