Tales of Captain Jack

Captain Jack · Post by **Captain Jack** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 10:12 am

I am aware that this is not a proper first post, but I felt it had to be shared none the less. This is a conversation between me and my friend Dan Grossmann, back when HP was still online. At the time, I think I was trying to sucker him in to writing an article for the site. In retrospect, I probably should have just posted the following conversation, which serves as a reminder of how entertaining I used to be.

Ze Infidel: Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet? And also, you're drunk.
CapJack05: handey?
Ze Infidel: hahaha
Ze Infidel: yes
CapJack05: I AM TEH GENEYUS!
Ze Infidel: you are teh something
Ze Infidel: teh retard
CapJack05: HAHA U R FUN-E. ASL? I LIEK PENGUINS.
Ze Infidel: hahaha
Ze Infidel: whoa
Ze Infidel: more writes
Ze Infidel: writers*
Ze Infidel: I IMPRESSED
CapJack05: speaking of which YOU OWE ME.
Ze Infidel: shit
Ze Infidel: i haven't even thought about starting
Ze Infidel: but i will
Ze Infidel: eventually
Ze Infidel: remember bitch, dictators don't have deadlines
CapJack05: we'll need it in february probably. For it will be the one month where we post an update EVERYDAY!
Ze Infidel: WHAT
Ze Infidel: howinthehell
CapJack05: we shall be busting our asses like we got season passes
Ze Infidel: hah, methinks ye scurvey lads be overshootin the schtars
CapJack05: you forget. I am a pirate. T2 is a robot. NinjaR is not only a ninja, but a ninja for the united states marine corp. And Smokey is one of god's chosen people. Together, we can do it.
Ze Infidel: hahaha
Ze Infidel: HAHA
CapJack05: I've already written six comics, that's like, 1/6 of teh month done.
Ze Infidel: but I have Timmah! shooter of Mooslims for the USMC, and I, the destroyer of worlds, and I have 7 other siblings, each of whom has special powers, like Ligers, only way better
Ze Infidel: but you don't see me trying to do a whole month
Ze Infidel: oh no
Ze Infidel: i don't dare
CapJack05: because between the 9 of you, you don't even have ONE PAIR of ball big enough for the task.
Ze Infidel: see, my problem isn't pirates, i have the mask for that and the speech impediment as well, and ninjas...well three off my brothers are of the japanese assassin sort, no, my problem is:
Ze Infidel: i don't have a robot in the corps
Ze Infidel: no, we've got the biggest, balls of them all, but no robots hurts our scheming
CapJack05: They are necessary for uploading and coding and such.
Ze Infidel: indeed
Ze Infidel: speaking of computers
Ze Infidel: im building my dad one, and im fucking jealous
Ze Infidel: my grandpa is paying for it, who is rich, and i am building it and choosing the parts, or I already did, and i like high end products
Ze Infidel: all i can say is
Ze Infidel: fuck
Ze Infidel: and "tortilla"
Ze Infidel: but i pronounce the L's
Ze Infidel: ah, and read my away message, twas a shining moment amidst drunkeness in canada
CapJack05: color me jealous
CapJack05: and then a sort off off-white with rosy cheeks.
Ze Infidel: haha
Ze Infidel: hah, and I have finalized plans with Kurt Hughes, we decided whatever job i control in the future, Kurt will work for me and make more than people more qualified than them so it will be quite obvious that i am not an equal opportunity employer
CapJack05: ha
Ze Infidel: yeah
Ze Infidel: the only janitor in town to drive a BMW 7-series
CapJack05: This is diabolical. And as I took my first step towards super-villiany today, I demand that in this future situation I get to be your Public Relations Manager, and make sure you have a totally evil but sexy and masculine image for your company.
Ze Infidel: hahahaha
Ze Infidel: deal
Ze Infidel: and you shall have a totally innocent and totally hot secretary, probably in a slutty-college girl way
CapJack05: yes
CapJack05: with big gazoombas?
Ze Infidel: make sure the image has like enemy company ceo heads on pikes, but in the background
Ze Infidel: yessuh
Ze Infidel: like i said
CapJack05: and birds pecking at their eyeballs
Ze Infidel: NOT equal opportunity
Ze Infidel: i can hand pick who and in her case, WHAT, i want to work for me
CapJack05: for real.
CapJack05: On weekends, we should raid ad pillage the offices of rival companies.
Ze Infidel: shit i don't even know what this company is gonna be, but it's gonna rule
Ze Infidel: indeed
CapJack05: we should make baby formula.
Ze Infidel: hahaha
Ze Infidel: yeah
Ze Infidel: call it Cool McBaby Mini-40's
Ze Infidel: er
CapJack05: hell yes!
Ze Infidel: Cool McBaby's Mini-Forty
Ze Infidel: yeah
Ze Infidel: milk...WITH A KICK
CapJack05: All of our advertisements should be written in arabic with english subtitles.
Ze Infidel: or hell, maybe just some straight alcohol...that'll shut the babies of the area up, and mothers worldwide will approve
Ze Infidel: hahaha
Ze Infidel: you get to wear a turbin as our PR guy and go out speaking gibberish, maybe I'll hire Kent or Smokey to translate for you on the street
CapJack05: "The sweetest milk runs from the skull of my enemy which I shall use as a cup and possibly a toilet should circumstances require me to do so. ALALALALALALALALALAAAA!"
Ze Infidel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ze Infidel: shit
Ze Infidel: that's profile material there
CapJack05: possibly. We really need to condense this down and start presenting it to investors as a business plan.
Ze Infidel: yeah
Ze Infidel: well
Ze Infidel: leave out the skull and cup part
Ze Infidel: we'd use that as a surprise ad tactic when pressed for public interest
CapJack05: good idea.
Ze Infidel: but the Jihad scream
Ze Infidel: now that's good stuff,
Ze Infidel: we could use it to fade in and out of our commercials
CapJack05: hell yes.

William McDert · Post by **William McDert** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 2:54 am

Fasheem · Post by **Fasheem** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 4:09 am

But where's the NEWS?

Are you married yet? Any kids? Still working insane schedules at crap jobs? Do you still have really cute hair? Are you in university now? Do you like fish? How's your health? Are you still sort of Buddhist? Do you feel that you have lost "it" and that's why you won't post?

Tyran-ne · Post by **Tyran-ne** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 7:15 am

Buddhist? Rully? ^_^

And I don't think you kin really lose "it". Just misplace "it".

Captain Jack · Post by **Captain Jack** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 9:42 pm

But where's the NEWS?

I'm not done with it yet.

Are you married yet?

Not even dating. Well, that's not entirely true. It's complicated, as these matters often are. It's probably safe to say that the only ring I'd consider wearing in the immediate future will have a green lantern on it.

Any kids?

No, but I do have a cat, so I am not missing out on the pitter-patter of little feet. On my head. While I'm sleeping.

Still working insane schedules at crap jobs?

I work as a bookseller now, and the benefits are really good, even though the pay isn't great. The schedule's actually pretty good, though on occasion it gets a bit hairy.

Do you still have really cute hair?

I do! I have a friend in cosmetology school who cut it for me. It was her first time, and it took her a while due to the curliness and thickness of it. Now when people question her ability to do their hair, she holds up a picture of me and says "If I can cut this f@#er's hair, then I can cut anybody's."

Are you in university now?

I am going to start school in April! I'm excited, though I'm having trouble getting my financial aid approved. I'm hoping to get a degree in English Literature in four years, and then probably go into teaching secondary school.

Do you like fish?

They are both tasty and fun to watch. Except for the creepy ones, of which there are many.

How's your health?

I was told by my doctor I need to gain weight. He has me lifting weights at home every other day because he says I am unlikely to gain weight just by eating. Any attempts I have made to discuss this with a woman have resulted in injury to my person.

Are you still sort of Buddhist?

Sort of!

Do you feel that you have lost "it" and that's why you won't post?

I feel like I don't have much worth saying at the moment. I'm sure once I settle in, I will prove to be a bit more talkative.

ChimeraCreative · Post by **ChimeraCreative** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 10:53 pm

Captain Jack wrote: I was told by my doctor I need to gain weight. He has me lifting weights at home every other day because he says I am unlikely to gain weight just by eating. Any attempts I have made to discuss this with a woman have resulted in injury to my person.

Fasheem · Post by **Fasheem** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:34 am

Captain Jack wrote: I do! I have a friend in cosmetology school who cut it for me. It was her first time, and it took her a while due to the curliness and thickness of it. Now when people question her ability to do their hair, she holds up a picture of me and says "If I can cut this f@#er's hair, then I can cut anybody's."

I am going to start school in April! I'm excited, though I'm having trouble getting my financial aid approved. I'm hoping to get a degree in English Literature in four years, and then probably go into teaching secondary school.

In Korea?

I was told by my doctor I need to gain weight. He has me lifting weights at home every other day because he says I am unlikely to gain weight just by eating.

Sure you would, it just wouldn't be healthy weight... right?? I'm also underweight so you're safe with me. Not so underweight that the doctor put me on a weight gain plan though he may have tried if he spoke any English.

Captain Jack · Post by **Captain Jack** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:20 pm

Today was a good day. I got the next two trades of Y: The Last Man, and have spent most of the day playing Tales of the Abyss. I am much relaxed.

Wait, perhaps....

No...

Well....

I don't know, should I?

AAAAAAHHHHH! I can't help myself!

Tyran-ne · Post by **Tyran-ne** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:32 pm

Captain Jack wrote: No, but I do have a cat, so I am not missing out on the pitter-patter of little feet. On my head. While I'm sleeping.

Trade you for a bird.

Captain Jack wrote:she holds up a picture of me and says "If I can cut this f@#er's hair, then I can cut anybody's."

F@#kin' right!

Captain Jack wrote:I am going to start school in April! I'm excited, though I'm having trouble getting my financial aid approved. I'm hoping to get a degree in English Literature in four years, and then probably go into teaching secondary school.

Really? Four years...well, school can a great thing...you know, when it's your choice. ^_^

Captain Jack wrote:I was told by my doctor I need to gain weight. He has me lifting weights at home every other day because he says I am unlikely to gain weight just by eating. Any attempts I have made to discuss this with a woman have resulted in injury to my person.

I'm...not even touching that one.

Captain Jack wrote:I feel like I don't have much worth saying at the moment. I'm sure once I settle in, I will prove to be a bit more talkative.

I wuz like that too.
Now they can't shut me up.

Captain Jack · Post by **Captain Jack** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:36 pm

Tyran-ne wrote:I wuz like that too.
Now they can't shut me up.

I'm glad. ^_^

Andrea and Chris kept luring me here by saying "Sarah's even posting again!" over and over.

I didn't believe them at first.

Tyran-ne · Post by **Tyran-ne** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:42 pm

L! L! L!

A had to get on my butt too. I wuz very resistant.
Mostly 'cuz I felt very boring. Heh.

Captain Jack · Post by **Captain Jack** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:46 pm

Tyran-ne wrote:L! L! L!

A had to get on my butt too. I wuz very resistant.
Mostly 'cuz I felt very boring. Heh.

That may be it. Plus, I feel like only half a poster because I can't find a decent avatar.

Maybe I'll just go pick out a cute animal:

Tyran-ne · Post by **Tyran-ne** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:06 pm

Captain Jack wrote:

Squee! AM NOT FROG! AM KITTEH!

Tyran-ne · Post by **Tyran-ne** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:07 pm

Captain Jack wrote:That may be it. Plus, I feel like only half a poster because I can't find a decent avatar.

Rully? I gotz like 10 of 'em an' I alternate...brb

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:09 pm

Hell, I'll make you a friggin icon if it means you'll post more!

My most recent was for this annoying guy who plays SWM with me, he wanted a picture of Spock in a Jedi robe with a lightsaber. Ugh, it felt weird making it until I thought of it more as Sylar with a lightsaber....then thought of how fucking awesome that'd make as a story....

Captain Jack · Post by **Captain Jack** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:11 pm

jedispyder wrote:Hell, I'll make you a friggin icon if it means you'll post more!

I guess that will depend on what kind of avatar you make me. ;-)

Captain Jack · Post by **Captain Jack** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:12 pm

Tyran-ne wrote:Rully? I gotz like 10 of 'em an' I alternate...brb

I just noticed you changed it. ^_^

I'm not sure I could pick an anime avatar that I feel worthy of. Everything I would want seems too cool for me, lol.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:13 pm

Depends on what kind of icon you want me to make you

Captain Jack · Post by **Captain Jack** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:15 pm

I think I'd leave it entirely up to you. I'm trying to find a good one with Ness from earthbound, but I can't find any I like. Maybe I've just gotten too picky.

Tyran-ne · Post by **Tyran-ne** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:25 pm

Captain Jack wrote:I think I'd leave it entirely up to you. I'm trying to find a good one with Ness from earthbound, but I can't find any I like. Maybe I've just gotten too picky.

You over think it!