An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he's feeling and he answers, "I've never been better. I've got an eighteen year old bride who is pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says. "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day, he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. "Bam" The beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"Exactly!" says the doctor.
Jokes
Moderator: Sandman
This has been stated to be a real support call to WordPerfect support.
Support: May I help you?
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Support: What sort of trouble?
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Support: Went away?
Customer: They disappeared.
Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Customer: Nothing.
Support: Nothing?
Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Customer: How do I tell?
Support: Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?
Customer: What's a sea-prompt?
Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Customer: What's a monitor?
Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Customer: I don't know.
Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Customer: ...Yes, I think so.
Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Customer: Yes, it is.
Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Customer: No.
Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Customer: Okay, here it is.
Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Customer: I can't reach.
Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Customer: No.
Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.
Support: Dark?
Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Support: Well, turn on the office light then.
Customer: I can't.
Support: No? Why not?
Customer: Because there's a power outage.
Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Customer: Really? Is it that bad?
Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
Support: May I help you?
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Support: What sort of trouble?
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Support: Went away?
Customer: They disappeared.
Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Customer: Nothing.
Support: Nothing?
Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Customer: How do I tell?
Support: Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?
Customer: What's a sea-prompt?
Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Customer: What's a monitor?
Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Customer: I don't know.
Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Customer: ...Yes, I think so.
Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Customer: Yes, it is.
Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Customer: No.
Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Customer: Okay, here it is.
Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Customer: I can't reach.
Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Customer: No.
Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.
Support: Dark?
Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Support: Well, turn on the office light then.
Customer: I can't.
Support: No? Why not?
Customer: Because there's a power outage.
Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Customer: Really? Is it that bad?
Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
All Will be Well!
A priest and a nun were golfing one sunny day.
On the fourth hole, the priest swings wildly and completely misses the ball.
"Damn, I missed!" he shouts.
The nun replies, "You shouldn't curse, God will get you."
"Yea, yea." says the priest.
On the fifth hole: The priest swings wildly and totally misses the golf ball.
"Damn, I missed!"
"You shouldn't curse, God will get you."
"Yea, yea."
This continues until finally, on the eighteenth hole, the priest swings and misses once again.
"Damn, I missed!"
"You shouldn't curse, Go--"
Just then a lightning bolt comes out of a cloudless sky and kills the nun midsentence.
A voice booms out from the sky, "DAMN! I MISSED!"
On the fourth hole, the priest swings wildly and completely misses the ball.
"Damn, I missed!" he shouts.
The nun replies, "You shouldn't curse, God will get you."
"Yea, yea." says the priest.
On the fifth hole: The priest swings wildly and totally misses the golf ball.
"Damn, I missed!"
"You shouldn't curse, God will get you."
"Yea, yea."
This continues until finally, on the eighteenth hole, the priest swings and misses once again.
"Damn, I missed!"
"You shouldn't curse, Go--"
Just then a lightning bolt comes out of a cloudless sky and kills the nun midsentence.
A voice booms out from the sky, "DAMN! I MISSED!"
All Will be Well!
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
All Will be Well!
A middle-aged married couple is driving around the city with their brand new Mercedes...
Suddenly the woman turns to her husband and says:
"You know what, darling, I have something important to tell you..."
"Go ahead, honey", the man replies.
"Well, the thing is for the past 6 months I've been having an affair with your best friend", quite calmly declares the wife, "I'm in love with him and now I want a divorse. I want half of your money. Also I want the house, the car and the children. Is there anything YOU want?"
"Oh, don't worry, baby", he says after a brief moment of silence, "I got everything I need..."
"Really? And what is that?"
"An Airbag!", cries out the man a second before crashing the Mercedes into a brick wall...
Suddenly the woman turns to her husband and says:
"You know what, darling, I have something important to tell you..."
"Go ahead, honey", the man replies.
"Well, the thing is for the past 6 months I've been having an affair with your best friend", quite calmly declares the wife, "I'm in love with him and now I want a divorse. I want half of your money. Also I want the house, the car and the children. Is there anything YOU want?"
"Oh, don't worry, baby", he says after a brief moment of silence, "I got everything I need..."
"Really? And what is that?"
"An Airbag!", cries out the man a second before crashing the Mercedes into a brick wall...
All Will be Well!
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
All Will be Well!
A loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."
She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."
All Will be Well!
Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do," grinned the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouts "AMAZIN!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" The friend asked.
"Math, History, and Logic," replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is Logic?" asked his new friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?
"What's Logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do," grinned the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouts "AMAZIN!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" The friend asked.
"Math, History, and Logic," replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is Logic?" asked his new friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?
All Will be Well!
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense humor.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop outof Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes! But you will have to learn to speak it first!
G'day!
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop outof Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes! But you will have to learn to speak it first!
G'day!
All Will be Well!
-
Tragic Angelus
- Posts: 3397
- Joined: Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:44 pm
- Location: Indiana
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up.
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up.
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.
All Will be Well!
The California Highway Patrol Officer pulls over to the shoulder behind the blonde driver in obvious distress. What isn't obvious is why her two blonde passengers are lifting their tops and baring their breasts to passing motorists who respond by slowing down, honking their horns and yelling encouragement out the windows, creating a traffic nightmare on one of Los Angeles's busiest freeways.
"What the hell is going on here?" the officer demands.
"Well, duh, I've got a flat tire," the blonde responds.
Sputtering, the officer gestures at her passengers. "No, no...I mean what are they doing?"
"Well, duh." the blonde driver explains like its the most obvious thing in the world. "They are my emergency flashers."
"What the hell is going on here?" the officer demands.
"Well, duh, I've got a flat tire," the blonde responds.
Sputtering, the officer gestures at her passengers. "No, no...I mean what are they doing?"
"Well, duh." the blonde driver explains like its the most obvious thing in the world. "They are my emergency flashers."
All Will be Well!
A priest and a nun were golfing one sunny day.
On the fourth hole, the priest swings wildly and completely misses the ball.
"Damn, I missed!" he shouts.
The nun replies, "You shouldn't curse, God will get you."
"Yea, yea." says the priest.
On the fifth hole: The priest swings wildly and totally misses the golf ball.
"Damn, I missed!"
"You shouldn't curse, God will get you."
"Yea, yea."
This continues until finally, on the eighteenth hole, the priest swings and misses once again.
"Damn, I missed!"
"You shouldn't curse, Go--"
Just then a lightning bolt comes out of a cloudless sky and kills the nun midsentence.
A voice booms out from the sky, "DAMN! I MISSED!"
On the fourth hole, the priest swings wildly and completely misses the ball.
"Damn, I missed!" he shouts.
The nun replies, "You shouldn't curse, God will get you."
"Yea, yea." says the priest.
On the fifth hole: The priest swings wildly and totally misses the golf ball.
"Damn, I missed!"
"You shouldn't curse, God will get you."
"Yea, yea."
This continues until finally, on the eighteenth hole, the priest swings and misses once again.
"Damn, I missed!"
"You shouldn't curse, Go--"
Just then a lightning bolt comes out of a cloudless sky and kills the nun midsentence.
A voice booms out from the sky, "DAMN! I MISSED!"
All Will be Well!
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. So the Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God," he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
After five or six children this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God," he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
All Will be Well!
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I feel awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I have a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment; "Well, what the hell - why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I feel awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I have a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment; "Well, what the hell - why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
All Will be Well!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$65,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I'll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$65,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I'll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
All Will be Well!
Finally, something other than smiley faces....Breasts.
(Yes, we know it's sick, but some of these are very funny!)
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^)( ^) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
< o >< o > electric shock breasts
|o||o| android breasts
(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)
(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
(^o)(o) zit on your breast
( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts
(Yes, we know it's sick, but some of these are very funny!)
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^)( ^) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
< o >< o > electric shock breasts
|o||o| android breasts
(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)
(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
(^o)(o) zit on your breast
( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts
All Will be Well!