How to rate a hangover

IrishCream · Post by **IrishCream** » Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:27 pm

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM, Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
craps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover(*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your butt. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

The French Biscuit · Post by **The French Biscuit** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:27 pm

I'm so glad I don't get hangovers.

Python · Post by **Python** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:28 pm

Same here.

MGM · Post by **MGM** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 1:19 pm

Tripled.

Stocky Boy · Post by **Stocky Boy** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 5:41 pm

Had a 3 after the company XMas bash.

Had something between a 2 and a 3 after drinking in Milano's in NY.

Junkogen · Post by **Junkogen** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:44 am

I quit drinking. But when I did drink, I would be off of those charts. I would routinely wake up covered in my own urine and unable to function for a few days. Blacking out was a given.

wolf_2099 · Post by **wolf_2099** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:04 pm

Junkogen wrote:I quit drinking. But when I did drink, I would be off of those charts. I would routinely wake up covered in my own urine and unable to function for a few days. Blacking out was a given.

I used to do this, minus the urine part.

That is just freaking weird, guy.

Junkogen · Post by **Junkogen** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:25 pm

wolf_2099 wrote:I used to do this, minus the urine part.

That is just freaking weird, guy.

Why? When you drink yourself into a coma with all that diuretic flowing through the system, the body does what it needs to. You just never drank enough. Trust me.

wolf_2099 · Post by **wolf_2099** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:33 pm

Junkogen wrote:Why? When you drink yourself into a coma with all that diuretic flowing through the system, the body does what it needs to. You just never drank enough. Trust me.

Nope. I just understand the need to crawl to the bathroom, sit on the spinning toilet, and piss. Possibly followed by vomiting.

Junkogen · Post by **Junkogen** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:42 pm

wolf_2099 wrote:Nope. I just understand the need to crawl to the bathroom, sit on the spinning toilet, and piss. Possibly followed by vomiting.

Again, you didn't drink enough. If you drink enough your brain will shut down. I would get so drunk that I couldn't move myself to the toilet. I'm just fortunate that I very rarely vomited from drinking. I probably would have choked on vomit and died a long time ago. Seriously, I would drink a lot. I wound up in the hospital twice, broke into a couple houses.... I'm not proud of any of it at all, but it's the facts. Hence, why I don't drink anymore.

wolf_2099 · Post by **wolf_2099** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:44 pm

Maybe I just held it?

You broke into houses?

Junkogen · Post by **Junkogen** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:05 pm

wolf_2099 wrote:Maybe I just held it?

Wow, you're really just not getting this. When you completely lose control of your body, it just does what it needs to. The bladder is a natural, as opposed to supernatural, organ; it has limits. If my body didn't just urinate for me, my bladder would have burst.

You broke into houses?

Yeah, to pass out. I never stole anything, though. I used to do tons of crazy stupid shit drunk. I'm seriously lucky to be alive and not in jail.

wolf_2099 · Post by **wolf_2099** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:56 pm

No, I get what you mean. I've seen quite a few people piss themselves drunk. I've seen one guy shit himself. That was disgusting.

Junkogen · Post by **Junkogen** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:03 pm

wolf_2099 wrote:I've seen one guy shit himself. That was disgusting.

I've thankfully never had that happen. But I can imagine how it could. Sometimes those late night munchies sessions lead to 24-hour taco stands...need I say more?

Mr Wallstreet · Post by **Mr Wallstreet** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 4:31 pm

I had hangovers vicariously through other drunks (my friends in school).