The Adventures of Shlomo
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 1:57 am
At Shady Acres Mental Institute, another round of group therapy sessions is about to begin with a notable absence...
Nurse Ratchet: Alright, I realize we are supposed to begin today's session at 0800, but we have a member running late with his morning shock therapy. If you will all please be patient, we should get started shortly.
Jack: This is freakin' crap, lady! Are ya outta yer freakin' mind! If this gang bang ends late due to this nut, I'll miss the freakin' Lakers game!
Ratchet: Please stay calm. Like I said, he should arrive any mom...
Entrance door flies open
Shlomo: I'm soooooooooooooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!
Ratchet: Well hello, Ami. Take a seat so we can...
Shlomo: Stop right there, babe. Since I've been in prison, I've converted from Judaism to Islam. Therefore you shall refer to me by my new name: Shareef Shlomo Nasir Smokey Ahmad. The third.
Ratchet: You are not in prison, young man. You've been committed.
Shlomo: Whoa whoa WHOA! I have not been in a real commitment relationship, or whatever the kids call it nowandays. I mean, check it, I'm currently juggling these three chicks and engaging in all kinds of sexual relations with them. Thing is, I don't really like any of them. Take this one broad, fer instance: bald albino girl. Or would that be "albina"? Either way, vis a vi, she only has one leg so I call her "pale leg". Totally boring chica, but she performs outstanding fellatio. So one day we get to...Wait, wha? Huh? ...Oh yeah. First of all, babe...
Ratchet: You already made your first point, and I am not "babe".
Shlomo: Toots?
Ratchet: Negative.
Shlomo: Rocket boobs?
Ratchet: ENOUGH! I cannot tolerate this type of behavior any longer! I know for a fact that electric shock therapy does not result in this type of intoxicated state!
Shlomo: I already told ya, sweet tits: I'm sooooooooooo hiiiiiiiiiiigh!
Ratchet: Impossible. We told all trained medical staff not to give you any prescriptions that would replicate the effects of narcotics.
Shlomo: What you fail to realize is that my dreadlocks serve many purposes! Besides their primary purpose of stinking up a room and making hobos feel beautiful, I've smoked so much weed that they themselves are a pot plant. MY HEAD'S A WEED GARDEN!
Ratchet: That sounds scientifically and biologically impossible...
Shlomo: Oh yeah? Then how come they take hair samples when they wanna do drug tests? Because if your hair is a drug, than you've been smokin' way too much weedadeedaldoo!. Whatever, I'm done explaining myself to you peons. While you've all been talking about your feelings and whatnots, I've been using my imagination and a computer to build the ultimate tank to knock down these walls of oppression and lead to my freedom!
Shlomo: Shareef Shlomo Nasir Smokey Ahmad, AWAY!!!
