One day, these city folks are driving through Nebraska on a side road alongside a small farm. They're doing about 40 mph. and, on the other side of the fence, is a 3-legged chicken running in the same direction as their car at about the same speed.
The driver speeds up to about 50 and the chicken keeps right up with them. Everybody inside the car is amazed. The guy speeds up to 60 and the chicken takes off and is out of sight in seconds.
Rather curious about this poultry phenomenon, they pull up to the farmhouse to see if they might be able to find out what the story is.
As they pull up, the farmer comes out and they tell him of their experience and are curious as to how this 3-legged chicken came about.
"Well," the farmer says, "every Sunday me, the missus, and our son, Randy, have a chicken dinner and each of us likes a drumstick. If we cook only one chicken, we don't have enough drumsticks and if we fix up two, we've got one drumstick left over. So, I figured if I bred a 3-legged chicken, that would solve the problem."
"Well, how does it taste?", asked the city guy. "Don't know" replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet!"
Jokes
Moderator: Sandman
One day, Paul complained to his friend, "You know, my elbow is killing me. I guess I should see a doctor."
"Don't do that!" said his friend. "There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply feed the computer a sample of your urine and it will diagnose your problem for only $10 bucks."
Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and walked to the drug store. Then, he poured the urine sample into the computer and deposited $10 bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Paul began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his pet dog, and urine samples from both his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the mix.
The next day, Paul returned to the drug store and poured the sample into the computer. Next, he deposited $10 bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
'Your tap water is too hard... get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm... bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine... put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and they aren't yours... get a lawyer. And, if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.'
"Don't do that!" said his friend. "There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply feed the computer a sample of your urine and it will diagnose your problem for only $10 bucks."
Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and walked to the drug store. Then, he poured the urine sample into the computer and deposited $10 bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Paul began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his pet dog, and urine samples from both his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the mix.
The next day, Paul returned to the drug store and poured the sample into the computer. Next, he deposited $10 bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
'Your tap water is too hard... get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm... bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine... put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and they aren't yours... get a lawyer. And, if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.'
All Will be Well!
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?"
"How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!
"The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
"The husband continues his story . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?"
"How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!
"The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
"The husband continues his story . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
All Will be Well!