Cogito, Ergo Doleo

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:35 pm

So I guess I never created a thread for "my life" on this site. Had a mind fart and forgot that we had moved and started to think I was making even more shit up in my mind and forcing myself to believe it's true, lol.

So I guess I'll just do a summary of some recent things? Dunno, not too much to talk about. Well, I can always talk but I'm one of those people who can talk and talk and talk about nothing at all.

So I am moving into what was my Grandma's house. My brother is currently renovating it with new paint and carpet (plus removing most of the other things). It took me awhile to get the final decision but luckily I found a roommate in the form of good ole Cap'n Jack. He's gonna take the downstairs rooms while I get uber-cool but also sorta smaller upstairs. And they're colored pumpkin! So awesome, makes me happy seeing that. I'm shooting for a move-in date around the beginning of the month depending on how much work my brother gets done.

I'm also taking what's hopefully the last course I need to graduate, General Chemistry II. And then, after spending 7 years in college, I totally don't want to go into that field. YAYERS!!!

Another interesting development I don't know what to do with is I went on a coffee-"date" with someone. She's my mom's co-worker's daughter, they've been trying to hook us up forever. I ignored them for the longest time but mid-December she gave my mom cookies to bring to me, which of course forces me to write her an email. We talked for a couple weeks and I slowly was getting uninterested in her but finally agreed to a coffee meet-up. It was New Years Day and boy did it go crappy for me, lol! We met at Barnes & Noble and just walked around and talked for like 3 hours. I wanted to leave 30 minutes into it =o/ She's just not that interesting, the conversation was kinda dull and she didn't bring much to the table (conversation wise). I also did not like it when she started talking about books she'd read...but then stated how she didn't actually finish most of them. That's a BIG turn-off for me if you don't finish reading. It means you don't always finish what you start. She was also a negative nancy, always talking down about herself and such (she did have some reasons, but the amount I post down about myself I didn't bring it to the table when meeting someone, I'm not that stupid). I feel bad for myself but at least I gave it a try. She emailed me a "thank you" type email the next day but I never responded to it (I felt it wasn't obligatory since she didn't ask any questions...or at least I keep telling myself that). She hasn't emailed me since then but my mom said she's been wondering about me. I really don't want this to go anywhere but I feel bad for not emailing. I fear that if I do email her first she'll get hope, and that's the last thing I want to give her. When I think about the conversations we've had they weren't really all that great, as in I didn't get excited reading them very much.

I also realized my Fight or Flight Response is most definitely Flight. I almost ran into my ex-roommate yesterday while leaving a restaurant, she was opening the door for her sister/dad so I saw them and ran like fucking hell in the opposite direction, straight into the bathroom. Scared the shit outa me! It's funny, almost 4 years have passed but I still can't forget about her. Ironically enough, she was in my dream yesterday and she forgave me for how I ended things, which made me so happy...until I almost ran into her, that is. I talked to a co-worker/friend about it and she asked if I could do the night over whether I'd talk to her or not...and I definitely would not have. Weird, I want nothing more than get back with her but am deathly afraid to talk to her face-to-face.

Think about it now, I'm wondering if the type of girl I need is someone that is the opposite of me, someone very outgoing that forces me into situations I don't normally do. That's what my ex-roommate was. The girl I met for a coffee-"date" was most definitely not that, she was too like me.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Thu Mar 04, 2010 12:05 pm

So not much new. Having fun with General Chemistry II with less than 2 weeks left. Then I actually get to graduate after 7.5 years in college, lol.

I'm most moved out. My bed is in the house so I'm living there, but I still had a lot of other things at mom's place. Bit by bit I'll get it out...

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Thu Mar 11, 2010 1:28 pm

Dan's cat has a really fucking weird personality. Whenever I come in he looks at me like he's thinking "who the fuck are you?" He'll come up to me to pet him, and when I reach down to pet him, he'll get skittish and shy away as if he's thinking "what the hell are you trying to do to me?" He'll come up to my landing, "stealthily" look into my room, and just stare at me. He'll come in but never actually come to me. Very weird, lol. You'd think he'd be used to me now, you know?

Mr Wallstreet · Post by **Mr Wallstreet** » Fri Mar 12, 2010 8:24 am

Be wary of the cat. He is most likely casing your place and waiting for the opportune time to sneak in and kill you.

As for your other dilema about your coffee-date, you never told us what she looked like? Was she tall, short, thin, plump, attractive, butterface, ugly? Details man!

Lastly, since you're finally graduating, what did you major in?

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Mar 12, 2010 3:33 pm

I swear he's a Devil Cat, just biding his time to kill me and have the place all to himself and turn Cap'n Jack into his slave...

The coffee date...didn't go well. I don't mind that she wasn't endowed in the looks department, but for me it was the personality department that turned me off. She seemed overly negative all the time about herself and stuff. I haven't heard from her since.

And I'm graduating with a degree in Information Technology with a main focus in web development and minor focus in digital media. Yet I don't want to go into that field, lol. Maybe if I can find the right place, but for now (especially in this type of economy) I'm safe where I am. I do want to go get a degree in Culinary Arts, Cap'n Jack also wants me to so he not only can eat the stuff I bring home but we might be able to bum rides off each other to school, lol.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Mar 26, 2010 10:35 pm

My rooms are finally shaping up...kind of. I put up blackout blinds over both windows. I'm still unpacking boxes of books, but that's gonna happen for awhile, lol. I bought something I never bought before: a laundry basket! Seriously, I think this is going to be better looking than just having my clothes piled in the corner, lol. I still have to move my computer onto my new (small as hell) computer desk/cart. I partially don't want to do that because I love having...shit, I just had a great idea! Instead of my moving my computer into the other room...just keep it in this room. I want to use it more in my bedroom than my little living room (huh, never considered each of my rooms different). GENIUS! I'm supposed to eventually get a digital camera that my stepdad doesn't use, may post pics when that happens.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Thu Jun 03, 2010 9:14 pm

Haven't posted anything in awhile here (then again it doesn't get as many hits as the other About Mes here, so that's partially why). Work just fucked up, basically. They had to fire a dayshift supervisor which created an open spot there. My boss offered it to either me or my co-supervisor, allowing us to escape nightshift. My co-supervisor of course refused, in fact she's refused the last 3 times or so it was offered and that's how my brother was able to ditch nightshift and go to dayshift. I thought about it and told my boss that if the offer was still there I'd love to take it. My mind started sprouting off the fact that I could actually be like a normal 25 year old and have a social life. I've been on nightshift for 9 fucking years, lol! I could try to get friends I could do stuff with, I'd be able to spend time with Cap'n Jack instead of the "I come home and he's already asleep or he comes home and I'm leaving for work or times with my family" that's been going on. I was getting uber excited!

Then the bombshell dropped. My boss's boss, aka the Big Boss, said he didn't think it would be a good idea because I'd be working directly with my brother. My boss is still going to try to convince him otherwise, but sounds like he's made up his mind. So I'm fucked. Forced to stay on dayshift. My brother talked to our boss about it, saying it's stupid to pass me up since I'm graduating (9 days, in fact) and them saying no to this could lead to needing 2 and not 1 supervisor. She agrees and thinks it's stupid, which is probably why she is going to try again. Evidently, Big Boss was even weary of promoting me to Supervisor in the first place 3 years ago because I'd be interacting more with my brother. You'd think since there hasn't been any problems in the past 3 years that I've been a supervisor working with my brother (albeit not directly) then there'd be no problem now. In fact, we'd probably synergize even more than most supervisor duos.

Fuck, and I really wanted to think about dating.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sat Jun 12, 2010 12:57 pm

Well, I'm guessing by now I'm a graduate. I didn't care enough to go to Commencement, UC fucked me over too much and I'm just happy to be gone. I figure if I had gone to it, my name would have already been called.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:50 pm

Nothing much has gone on. In sort of a funk from time to time. There's no reason to be, so I'm guessing it's the usual depression. Some days I just don't want to go home and instead drive and think about the past, even though I know I shouldn't. For me there's still a lot of unfinished business between my ex-roommate and me where I didn't describe what happened 4 years ago to make me run away. Her sister actually added me on Facebook out the blue and I was weary to accept, but gave it a chance and I'm glad. No grudge from her, in fact we have been able to mostly catch up. Found out my ex-roommate moved back in with her mom. I still want to contact her but know I shouldn't. Thinking of letting her sister know what happened and why I left (if I can even remember completely). She still is in my dreams from time to time, wish I could stop that. I really don't want those, lol. Well, that's a lie. I do want them, but know I shouldn't. I just want to go back to fucking normal from when I never met her. GAH! Maybe if I can make it right with her sister I'll feel somewhat better?

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:11 am

Fuck me, she was in my dreams AGAIN last night. I was at a restaurant (no place real) when she and her dad entered. We talked briefly and seemed everything was going ok. Then I went to a movie and quasi-invited them, not expecting them to come, yet they did come. I woke up at that point, but still. She invaded my dreams again and it really fucks me up...

The French Biscuit · Post by **The French Biscuit** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:24 pm

Huzzah for being a graduate! Are you experiencing the "now what the hell do I do?" syndrome yet or do you have a plan?

Poo-pah about the dream messing with you. I've got mo advice for that I'm afraid, my dreams are usually just really weird. :?

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:56 pm

Eh, I really don't enjoy what I got a degree in so I may not look into it. I'm at a steady job now with a possibility of eventually going to main office to work on computers, so that's always a possibility.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Mon Jul 26, 2010 2:45 pm

So I finally got my diploma in the mail. Only had to wait a month and a half for it, lol. I didn't trust UC to graduate me until I had that piece of paper in my hand, so now no worries.

I ended up with a 3.523 GPA. Took me 7 fucking years to get done with college, sooooo glad I'm out.

The French Biscuit · Post by **The French Biscuit** » Wed Aug 04, 2010 6:47 pm

jedispyder wrote: I'm at a steady job now with a possibility of eventually going to main office to work on computers, so that's always a possibility.

That's awesome! Too bad about the degree thing. I experienced that after I finished my Bachelor's in Archaeology. Degrees are just meant to look pretty on the wall anyway.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Thu Aug 05, 2010 2:17 am

Yep, one of my friends said that he hasn't looked at his diploma in over 20 years and has no clue what the college was named back them, lol.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Aug 06, 2010 6:23 pm

I think for my birthday in 2 weeks I'm going to cook myself a nice Chicken Marsala dinner. Been awhile since I cooked it, I think so far I've only done it once a year? Either way, it's soooo yummy! Thinking of doing a special dessert as well, not sure of what though. Since Chicken Marsala is Italian, I'll probably go with an Italian dessert. Maybe some Tiramisu? Homemade gelato?

Last year for my birthday I saw the movie Julie and Julia, ate yummy pizza at dinner at Dewey's with Dad/Mom/Stepdad, then went out with Cap'n Jack and did Laser Tag, got drunk for the first time in 3 years, and played pool. This year? Not sure, lol.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Fri Aug 13, 2010 7:13 pm

I wish I could understand why I'm so fucking depressed. It's worse than usual, think the last time it was this bad was after I moved out of my ex-roommates 4 years ago. And my OCD with the horrific images is really fucking annoying, I don't want to imagine those types of things at all.

The French Biscuit · Post by **The French Biscuit** » Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:10 am

Forgive me if does not sound helpful, but have you considered seeking medical help about the OCD? I know enough about it to fill a thimble, so I have no practical advice to offer other than my concern for your well-being.

jedispyder · Post by **jedispyder** » Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:28 am

I've actually tried that before, and know I should try it again. I was with a psychiatrist for something like 4 years. We tried various medications for me but none worked at all. In fact, the one for OCD/ADD made me more apathetic than usual and screwed up with my creativity, it made me not want to do a lot of stuff and I haven't been able to work with graphics the same since (which sucks cause before taking the meds I loved doing graphics, afterwards it was difficult to get focused on it). Towards the end of being with psych it was more of a burden to go, with me getting more stressed out having to see her and think of stuff to talk. I eventually did my usual, "oh, I can't make this appointment, I'll call you to make another appointment when I feel like it" and never did call back. My history is soooo frickin weird and confusing the thought of trying to explain it all to someone is pretty stressful, lol. I've been tempted to try and write a novella about my history and all things weird for them to read over before actually starting new with someone else. Or it could end up like one of my friends who actually had a psychiatrist refuse to treat him, lol!

The French Biscuit · Post by **The French Biscuit** » Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:43 am

Sorry to hear that. The novella sounds like a good idea. If the psychiatrist doesn't work out, you could always try publishing it.

How're things at your job?