Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between pilots and control towers around the world.
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint. We have digital watches."
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f---ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST:
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Jokes
Moderator: Sandman
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs... "What do you mean $200!?!"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs... "What do you mean $200!?!"
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya."
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya."
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
"French is like anal, exotic but oh so unnecessary."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
OMG! I'm LEET! WOO
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
OMG! I'm LEET! WOO
"French is like anal, exotic but oh so unnecessary."
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
Around a table are seated three parents all of whom have a teenage daughter, one of the parents, an American says to the others "the other day my wife was cleaning up under our teenage daughter's bed and found a packet of cigarettes which was a real surprise because we did not know that she smoked".
The second parent an Englishman says "well, my wife was cleaning in our teenage daughter's cupboard and found a bottle of rum, which surprised us because we did not know that she drank".
The third parent an Irishman says "well, you think thats bad my wife was emptying out our teenage daughter's schoolbag and found some condoms. We didn't even know that she had a dick!!"
The second parent an Englishman says "well, my wife was cleaning in our teenage daughter's cupboard and found a bottle of rum, which surprised us because we did not know that she drank".
The third parent an Irishman says "well, you think thats bad my wife was emptying out our teenage daughter's schoolbag and found some condoms. We didn't even know that she had a dick!!"
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an officer from the local Air Force airfield walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out the monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the officer, saying, "That'll be 2000 dollars, please."
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much??".
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that's a 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Army Personal Fitness Test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of a warrant officer with no back talk or complaints. It’s well worth the money."
The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! 10,000 dollars! What does it do?†he asked.
"Oh that one," replied the shopkeeper. "That's a Maintenance Supervisor monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate and BM level and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed".
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third in a cage. The price tag was 50,000 dollars. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"
"Actually" said the shopkeeper "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a pilot."
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out the monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the officer, saying, "That'll be 2000 dollars, please."
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much??".
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that's a 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Army Personal Fitness Test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of a warrant officer with no back talk or complaints. It’s well worth the money."
The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! 10,000 dollars! What does it do?†he asked.
"Oh that one," replied the shopkeeper. "That's a Maintenance Supervisor monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate and BM level and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed".
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third in a cage. The price tag was 50,000 dollars. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"
"Actually" said the shopkeeper "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a pilot."
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating a victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English "YEW Tree", and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "Plucking the Yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (Like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "F", and thus mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
AND YEW ALL THOUGHT YEW KNEW EVERYTHING.
This famous weapon was made of the native English "YEW Tree", and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "Plucking the Yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (Like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "F", and thus mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
AND YEW ALL THOUGHT YEW KNEW EVERYTHING.
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat..
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Watch your language, young man!"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright."
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Watch your language, young man!"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright."
During what was billed as a joint CBS, CNN and NPR News Special Report in Iraq, former CBS anchor Dan Rather, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, NPR’s Cokie Roberts and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant assigned to escort and drive them were captured and yanked out of their Humvee just outside the Green Zone in Baghdad at a fake Iraqi police checkpoint by four terrorists.
As they were forced to kneel the terrorist leader asked if they had any last words or requests before they were beheaded. The grizzled Marine spoke up.
"Yeah, kick me in the ass."
The terrorist leader is outraged. "You mock us in the face of death," he spat.
The Marine shook his head. "Naw, I'm serious. I've been a Marine for twenty years and I don't want to die without putting up some kind of a fight."
The terrorist leader nods his understanding of the Marine's request for a warriors death and kicks the Marine in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader and the other three terrorists dead.
As the Marine helped the stunned reporters to their feet, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?
As they were forced to kneel the terrorist leader asked if they had any last words or requests before they were beheaded. The grizzled Marine spoke up.
"Yeah, kick me in the ass."
The terrorist leader is outraged. "You mock us in the face of death," he spat.
The Marine shook his head. "Naw, I'm serious. I've been a Marine for twenty years and I don't want to die without putting up some kind of a fight."
The terrorist leader nods his understanding of the Marine's request for a warriors death and kicks the Marine in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader and the other three terrorists dead.
As the Marine helped the stunned reporters to their feet, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?
During these serious times people of all faiths should remember these four
religious truths:
Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
religious truths:
Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
A Math Teacher leaves a note for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs you cannot fulfill! By the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel that night, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband: You too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Plaza Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 old year boy toy. Since you are a Math Teacher, you will appreciate that 18 can go into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.... Don't wait up!
When he arrived at the hotel that night, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband: You too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Plaza Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 old year boy toy. Since you are a Math Teacher, you will appreciate that 18 can go into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.... Don't wait up!
That is AWESOME! I read all of them!
There were two guys driving to work together. Bill was rather worldly but Tim was a newly married virgin.
As they drove down the street, they saw two dogs mating on the front lawn of a house. "What are they doing?" Tim said. "They're screwing doggie style" replied Bill. "Haven't you ever done that with your wife?" "No I never have and I don't think she would like it, she's kind of shy" said Tim.
"Nonsense" said Bill. "Just buy a bottle of tequila on the way home, give her a drink and it should be no problem".
The next day, Bill asked how it went. Tim looked awfully tired. Tim said "I did what you said but I had a hell of a time. I had to make her drink the whole damn bottle before I could get her out onto the front lawn!"
A man, whose name was Bob, who went to Church with his wife, always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife, (whose name I think was Helen, but it might have been Ellen instead, so don't hold me to it), decided to do something about this and one Sunday she took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the Minister, whose name was Reverend Robbins, got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..," the wife poked her husband with the hat pin. The husband came flying out of the pew and screamed, in a big crybaby husband voice, "Good Lord almighty".
The Minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again then the Minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." At that point, the wife jabbed her husband again with the sharp hat pin and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".
The Minister said "that's right, That's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and then the Minister said "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child"?
The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and shouted, with a big toothy grin, "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
As the Minister, whose name was Reverend Robbins, got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..," the wife poked her husband with the hat pin. The husband came flying out of the pew and screamed, in a big crybaby husband voice, "Good Lord almighty".
The Minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again then the Minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." At that point, the wife jabbed her husband again with the sharp hat pin and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".
The Minister said "that's right, That's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and then the Minister said "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child"?
The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and shouted, with a big toothy grin, "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"
The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"
The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"
The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"
All Will be Well!
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"
All Will be Well!
An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has.
"Ten boys," she says proudly.
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
The case worker is incredulous. "They're ALL named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I want them all to come in from the yard, I just yell 'LEROY!',and when I want them all to come to dinner, I just yell 'LEROY!'"
He considers that for a moment, then asks, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I call him by his last name."
"Ten boys," she says proudly.
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
The case worker is incredulous. "They're ALL named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I want them all to come in from the yard, I just yell 'LEROY!',and when I want them all to come to dinner, I just yell 'LEROY!'"
He considers that for a moment, then asks, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I call him by his last name."
All Will be Well!
The chicken farmer decided that his rooster was too old to service his hens any more and brought in a new young rooster and let him loose in the chicken pen.
The old rooster fronted up to the young rooster and said, "You know, I'm too old to go in for this fighting business to see who gets to satisfy the hens. Why don't we race for it instead?"
The young rooster, cocky as hell, says, "Fight or race. Who cares! I'll kick your butt anyway!"
"Well," the old rooster says, "You'r so young and strong, why don't you give me a yard start and we'll race to the end of the chicken pen and back."
"Take two yards," crows the youngster. "I'll kick your ass out of here anyway!" So they line up - old'un two yards in front of the young'un and an old hen dropped wing to start them.
Off they went, the old rooster gradually being overtaken by the young one.
All of a sudden a loud explosion. The farmer had shot the young rooster. "I don't know what the world is coming to!" said the farmer. "That's the third gay rooster I've had to shoot this week!"
The old rooster fronted up to the young rooster and said, "You know, I'm too old to go in for this fighting business to see who gets to satisfy the hens. Why don't we race for it instead?"
The young rooster, cocky as hell, says, "Fight or race. Who cares! I'll kick your butt anyway!"
"Well," the old rooster says, "You'r so young and strong, why don't you give me a yard start and we'll race to the end of the chicken pen and back."
"Take two yards," crows the youngster. "I'll kick your ass out of here anyway!" So they line up - old'un two yards in front of the young'un and an old hen dropped wing to start them.
Off they went, the old rooster gradually being overtaken by the young one.
All of a sudden a loud explosion. The farmer had shot the young rooster. "I don't know what the world is coming to!" said the farmer. "That's the third gay rooster I've had to shoot this week!"
All Will be Well!