1. Bad: You find a porn film in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
2. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
3. Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
4. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
5. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
6. Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your son "borrowed" it.
7. Bad: Your wife is sick. Worse: Of you
8. Bad: Your unit only measures out to be 2 inches long. Worse: Erect!!
9. Bad: Your husband has become a playboy. Worse: Centerfold
10. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
11. Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually
12. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in unexpectedly.
13. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
14. Good: Your boyfried is on a diet. Bad: So he'll fit into your clothes.
15. Good: Your daughter practices safe sex. Bad. She's eleven.
16. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: She's 350 pounds
17. Good Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
18. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
19. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.
20. Good: Your wife's just experienced her first orgasm. Bad: With the postman.
21. Good: Your wife's got a flat stomach. Bad: And a matching chest.
22. Good: Your wife's got large breasts. Bad: And a matching ass.
23. Good: Your wife reminds you of your mother. Bad. In bed
24. Good: Your girlfriend's got soft, long, blonde hair. Bad: Under her arm.
25. Good: Your daughter's boss raves about her work. Bad: He's a pimp.
26. Good: Your son just graduated from high school. Bad: He's 27
Jokes
Moderator: Sandman
An American Admiral was attending a naval conference that included flag officers from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Posh stands admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Posh starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse’s neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Posh is now frantic and screams and screams for help.
With this, the Walmart's Security Guard hears her screams, comes out of the store, and unplugs the horse.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Posh starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse’s neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Posh is now frantic and screams and screams for help.
With this, the Walmart's Security Guard hears her screams, comes out of the store, and unplugs the horse.
Good, Bad and indifference
1. Bad: You find a porn film in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
2. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
3. Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
4. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
5. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
6. Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your son "borrowed" it.
7. Bad: Your wife is sick. Worse: Of you
8. Bad: Your unit only measures out to be 2 inches long. Worse: Erect!!
9. Bad: Your husband has become a playboy. Worse: Centerfold
10. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
11. Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually
12. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in unexpectedly.
13. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
14. Good: Your boyfried is on a diet. Bad: So he'll fit into your clothes.
15. Good: Your daughter practices safe sex. Bad. She's eleven.
16. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: She's 350 pounds
17. Good Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
18. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
19. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.
20. Good: Your wife's just experienced her first orgasm. Bad: With the postman.
21. Good: Your wife's got a flat stomach. Bad: And a matching chest.
22. Good: Your wife's got large breasts. Bad: And a matching ass.
23. Good: Your wife reminds you of your mother. Bad. In bed
24. Good: Your girlfriend's got soft, long, blonde hair. Bad: Under her arm.
25. Good: Your daughter's boss raves about her work. Bad: He's a pimp.
26. Good: Your son just graduated from high school. Bad: He's 27
1. Bad: You find a porn film in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
2. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
3. Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
4. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
5. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
6. Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your son "borrowed" it.
7. Bad: Your wife is sick. Worse: Of you
8. Bad: Your unit only measures out to be 2 inches long. Worse: Erect!!
9. Bad: Your husband has become a playboy. Worse: Centerfold
10. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
11. Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually
12. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in unexpectedly.
13. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
14. Good: Your boyfried is on a diet. Bad: So he'll fit into your clothes.
15. Good: Your daughter practices safe sex. Bad. She's eleven.
16. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: She's 350 pounds
17. Good Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
18. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
19. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.
20. Good: Your wife's just experienced her first orgasm. Bad: With the postman.
21. Good: Your wife's got a flat stomach. Bad: And a matching chest.
22. Good: Your wife's got large breasts. Bad: And a matching ass.
23. Good: Your wife reminds you of your mother. Bad. In bed
24. Good: Your girlfriend's got soft, long, blonde hair. Bad: Under her arm.
25. Good: Your daughter's boss raves about her work. Bad: He's a pimp.
26. Good: Your son just graduated from high school. Bad: He's 27
-
Tragic Angelus
- Posts: 3397
- Joined: Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:44 pm
- Location: Indiana
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to." his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
"There's no need to." his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
There were three ladies lost in the Sahara- a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead. They come across a lamp. The Blonde says, "OOOH! Let's see if there's a Genie inside!" The other two ladies ridicule her, saying there's no such thing. Well, The blonde rubs the lamp anyway, and a genie appears."HA!" she exclaims. The Girls are appalled. So, the Genie says, "You can each have one wish". So, The Brunette wishes that she was in Hawa'ii, on a long, luxurious vacation. The Genie grants her wish.
The Redhead says, "It's so hot here, I'd like to go skiing in Denver." The Genie grants her wish.
Well, the Blonde says, "I'm hot, too". So, she wishes for a car door so she can roll the window down.
DUH!!!!!
The Redhead says, "It's so hot here, I'd like to go skiing in Denver." The Genie grants her wish.
Well, the Blonde says, "I'm hot, too". So, she wishes for a car door so she can roll the window down.
DUH!!!!!
-
Stocky Boy
- Posts: 1861
- Joined: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:09 am
- Location: England, UK
Do you guys state side also mock him for sounding like a child?Sandman wrote:David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Posh stands admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Posh starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse’s neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Posh is now frantic and screams and screams for help.
With this, the Walmart's Security Guard hears her screams, comes out of the store, and unplugs the horse.
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane were arrested in France during the French revolution. They each got to choose which way they would die.
The Norwegian chose the guillotine, because he saw it as the latest fashion. His head went under, but the blade stopped 1 inch from his neck. The French saw this as a sign from God or something and decided to let him go.
The same thing happened to the Dane.
Then they asked the Swede how he wanted to die. "I think I'll die by hanging, that guillotine doesn't work anyway," he said.
The Norwegian chose the guillotine, because he saw it as the latest fashion. His head went under, but the blade stopped 1 inch from his neck. The French saw this as a sign from God or something and decided to let him go.
The same thing happened to the Dane.
Then they asked the Swede how he wanted to die. "I think I'll die by hanging, that guillotine doesn't work anyway," he said.
Warcraft Rhapsody
hum to the tune of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody
-----------------------------
Who needs the real life?
We just want fantasy.
Hop on a gryphon,
To escape from reality.
Go join a guild,
Just roll up an alt and play.
I'm just a poor gnome, I need no sympathy
Because I'm grinding rep, farming gold,
Need a tank, good to go.
Any way the loot falls, doesn't really matter to me,
To me.
Blizzard, just killed a mob,
Bent down to loot its stuff,
But now I can't stand back up.
Blizzard, WoW had just begun,
But now the mobs will pwn me right away.
Blizzard, ooo,
I was gonna run MC.
If I'm not back again in 20 minutes,
Carry on, carry on,
Because I got disconnected.
Too late, my buffs are gone,
All I can do is whine,
"You didn't heal in time"`
Goodbye everybody-I'll be right back
Gotta relog in so I can ressurrect.
Blizzard, ooo (any way the die rolls)
I don't wanna lag,
I sometimes wish I'd never logged in at all.
I'm tracking humanoids, they're on my minimap.
For the Horde! For the Horde! Can you make me a portal?
Bubblehearth and Mindflay - Shut the !&$% up learn to play.
Onyxia, Marshall Windsor,
Onyxia, Marshall Windsor,
Onyxia took the king -Bolvar Fordragon!
I'm just a poor gnome, nobody loves me.
He's just a poor gnome from a gnome family.
Save him from his trogg-infested city!
Looking for group ST, do you need a rogue?
Which instance? No- we do not need a rogue (let me go!)
This instance? we do not need a rogue (let me go!)
Need druid! we do not need a rogue (let me go!)
Will not let you go (let me go)
Will not let you go (let me go)
O, O, O, O, Orly?
He's a ninja, he's a ninja,
He's a ninja, kick him out.
This group's warlock has a soulstone put aside for me,
For me,
For me!
So you think you can gank me and spit on my corpse,
So you think you're twink with the Unstoppable Force!
Oh, shammy, can't do this to me shammy.
Just gonna go log, just gonna pwn you with my main.
This game's so addictive,
Anyone can see.
This game's so addictive, this game's so addictive,
To me.
Any way the loot falls...
hum to the tune of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody
-----------------------------
Who needs the real life?
We just want fantasy.
Hop on a gryphon,
To escape from reality.
Go join a guild,
Just roll up an alt and play.
I'm just a poor gnome, I need no sympathy
Because I'm grinding rep, farming gold,
Need a tank, good to go.
Any way the loot falls, doesn't really matter to me,
To me.
Blizzard, just killed a mob,
Bent down to loot its stuff,
But now I can't stand back up.
Blizzard, WoW had just begun,
But now the mobs will pwn me right away.
Blizzard, ooo,
I was gonna run MC.
If I'm not back again in 20 minutes,
Carry on, carry on,
Because I got disconnected.
Too late, my buffs are gone,
All I can do is whine,
"You didn't heal in time"`
Goodbye everybody-I'll be right back
Gotta relog in so I can ressurrect.
Blizzard, ooo (any way the die rolls)
I don't wanna lag,
I sometimes wish I'd never logged in at all.
I'm tracking humanoids, they're on my minimap.
For the Horde! For the Horde! Can you make me a portal?
Bubblehearth and Mindflay - Shut the !&$% up learn to play.
Onyxia, Marshall Windsor,
Onyxia, Marshall Windsor,
Onyxia took the king -Bolvar Fordragon!
I'm just a poor gnome, nobody loves me.
He's just a poor gnome from a gnome family.
Save him from his trogg-infested city!
Looking for group ST, do you need a rogue?
Which instance? No- we do not need a rogue (let me go!)
This instance? we do not need a rogue (let me go!)
Need druid! we do not need a rogue (let me go!)
Will not let you go (let me go)
Will not let you go (let me go)
O, O, O, O, Orly?
He's a ninja, he's a ninja,
He's a ninja, kick him out.
This group's warlock has a soulstone put aside for me,
For me,
For me!
So you think you can gank me and spit on my corpse,
So you think you're twink with the Unstoppable Force!
Oh, shammy, can't do this to me shammy.
Just gonna go log, just gonna pwn you with my main.
This game's so addictive,
Anyone can see.
This game's so addictive, this game's so addictive,
To me.
Any way the loot falls...
The doctor of a mental facility got a new assistant. They made such progress with the patients they decided to take them to a baseball game.
Once they got to the stadium the doctor demonstrated his acheivments by saying "Sit Nuts!" all the patients sat. "Stand Nuts!" All the patients stood. "Clap Nuts" All the patients clapped.
His assistant assured the doctor that he could watch things while the doctor bought a hot dog.
When the doctor returned, the stadium was near riot. He asked what happened, and the assistant said "Everything was fine until the man selling peanuts came by!!!"
Once they got to the stadium the doctor demonstrated his acheivments by saying "Sit Nuts!" all the patients sat. "Stand Nuts!" All the patients stood. "Clap Nuts" All the patients clapped.
His assistant assured the doctor that he could watch things while the doctor bought a hot dog.
When the doctor returned, the stadium was near riot. He asked what happened, and the assistant said "Everything was fine until the man selling peanuts came by!!!"